Friday, January 10, 2014

Story --- in progress but I'm tired of it being a draft [working title: ? x(her), y(him), z(friend), w(other her), v(other him)

I've had this saved as a draft since the summer, but finally I deiced to keep it published as I work on it. It's definitely a work in progress, and seems to have taken some sort of hybrid short story/script form [too many music ideas to fit the scenes..!]
I'm hoping to add to it as much as I can .. though it seems to be coming to me in pieces.


He couldn't do this. He couldn't do it then, and he couldn't do it now.
The door slammed shut behind him. Pulling up his hood, he faced the rain.
She consumed him. Everything she was simply filled his heart all while driving him mad. Her eyes were perpetually burned into his, her voice had not left him since the last time they spoke. He did not know her taste, but he could imagine.

Taking his phone out, he dialed a familiar number. When his distraction answered, he eased through the streets, tracing the same dark path he knew too well.


Tired of starring at the ceiling, he turned, and climbed out of bed. As he rose, he glanced behind him at the still sleeping figure sprawled and tangled in the linen sheets. He dressed quietly, made his way out of the room, and eased open the balcony door. Stepping outside, he was immediately hit by the heat - something he had still not gotten used to - and the after rain air was thick and humid. As the temperature of the July night swallowed him, he sighed, and leaned against the balcony.

The streets were quiet. Granted, it was four in the morning, but this particular neighbourhood never seemed to settle. Students, addicts, beggars, and other wanderers usually brushed the dust from their eyes once the moon appeared. Tonight, though, it was calm - eerily so - and he was almost disappointed. Without entertainment, he was forced to think.

[Total Eclipse of the Heart - Jill Andrews]

They hadn't spoken in months, at least not the way they used to. No longer did they greet the five a.m. sky together, and instead, communication was brief. It was as if, he thought, she insisted on reminding him she was still there. Sending messages coated in innuendo, short sentences which masked her true intentions.

No. She had walked away. HE had walked away.

Nights like these, when he thought of her, he couldn't help but wonder if she was awake thinking of him too. He hated himself for this - he saw it as a sign of weakness - but he could no longer deny himself the pleasure of indulging in thoughts of her.

Her smile. Those eyes. That body.
But there was so much more to her than that, so much more within her delicate frame than what was displayed outwardly. The way she listened to him assured him she'd never tire of hearing his stories and trials and opinions. She bit her lip when she was trying to plan the perfect response. She smiled earnestly when she was pleased, and raised her left eyebrow when she was angry. Her zest for life and love for humanity never seemed to dim, and she constantly found evidence to suggest to him that the world was inherently good.

The noise of the balcony door sliding open came from behind him. Running his hand through his hair, he turned to see w, now robed. He forced himself to focus on the woman in front of him, and not the woman lurking in his mind and shadowing his heart.

"Come back to bed, you" she said sleepily, pulling at the tie of her robe, enticing him.
She was attractive, of course, with her
But she was common to him, typical seeming. As much as she distracted him, she also bored him. What he truly desired, though, was out of reach, at least for tonight. He looked longingly once more onto the streets below him, wishing he too could be swallowed by the silence of the night.
He followed her in.

[Cut to X, song continues]

Another night of insomnia, another night consumed by him.
She was stretched out across her bedroom floor, buried in music, her canvas, and her brush. With each stroke of ink, she felt his absence more strongly, and with each moment that passed she wondered if tonight would be the night he would return.

[car talk scene]

The rain echoed in the car, beating down on the metal roof above them. The silence between them expressed more than either were willing to acknowledge.
Finally, she spoke.
"You asked me why I cared if you thought about me these past months. I care because I was thinking of you." Her voice broke, but she refused to falter. Refused to show any sign of weakness or contempt or fear, all of which she was feeling. She continued,
[If You Were Here - Cary Brothers]
"There's so much I want to say to you. So much I've always wanted to say to you. And so often I've come so close, but the words echo in my stomach instead, because I know if I speak them, then they will be true. And they can't be true, because if they are, I'm not the person I thought I was. If they're true, everything I thought I stood for are things I would betray, and things I would question. They are words I will want back, because they belong in the pit of my heart, and not spoken aloud to the universe."

He starred at her, sensing she wanted to continue but was fighting to restrain herself. She refused to meet his eyes - he liked that he had that effect on her. His heart urged him to grab her, his head forbid it. Always a follower of logic, he

'Why me?' she demanded, almost angrily. 'You surround yourself with so many, why do you choose to exclude me?'
[bar scene]

Before she walked in, she almost turned around. Her stomach sinking and her brow sweating, it took everything to follow Z through the door and into the bar. But her body was more confident than her mind, and she soon found herself swallowed by the chatter and the music as Z led the way to a table already filled with several occupants. 

As he turned, their eyes met, the first time since that cold night months ago. This time, though, he did not rise to meet her or take her in his arms. Instead he first greeted z finally turning to her and saying, almost softly, "hi x"  before rising and walking across the room to get another drink.  
Having a moment free of him allowed her to regain her composure. She whisked a hand through her curls, pulled at her shirt, and turned to z. 
"Thanks for inviting me along" she said, willing herself to relax and enjoy the evening. She almost wished her passion and anger and sadness would turn to apathy instead. 
"It's no problem, just a little reunion" z replied, completely oblivious to the truth behind the situation. 
As close as the two were, x hadn't dare divulge any details of the situation that had transpired between her and y. It wasn't only for the sense of secrecy, or for fear of betraying y, but also because she feared their past would begin to fail to thrill her if she let the truth of it escape from her lips. There was something incredibly alluring, in the most awful sense, in keeping the words and nights her and he had shared confidential. 
"I'm sure he's been wanting to see you," z continued "the two of you always got along" 
X uttered a single word in agreement, not bothering to push the conversation further.
Y returned to the table, sitting across from her. Though z eagerly engaged in a conversation with him, he kept glancing at x, largely ignoring zs small talk. X alternated between seeming interested in the discussion and longingly glimpsing at y. 
Suddenly standing up, z announced she needed a drink and offered to grab x one as well. She readily accepted - she needed as much help as possible getting through what was turning out to be an awkward night. 
As z walked off, x fully expected y to turn his attention to the others sitting at the table who were engaged in a wild and excited discussion about sports and favourite athletes. Instead, he rose, walked to zs empty chair, and sat down next to her. 
Wishing she had already had something to drink, x turned to him in a forced bravery. Pulling off a convincingly genuine smile, she said to him "it's good to see you. How have you been?"
The small talk

[leave the bar, walk outside, stars, mild out, transition to car scene ?  ]

Leaving the bar, the group said their good nights. Brushing arms with x, y sternly told her "lets take a walk"

[fight scene a][y's apartment]

 "You always do this. It doesn't end with you, does it? Well, at least you're consistent." She rose and took several steps across the room before turning to face him.
[Crazy Ever After - The Rescues]
"I don't understand it, y. You so readily admit to enjoying my company, but so eagerly rid yourself of it. You say you crave my companionship, but would prefer if I left a void. You want happiness, but you starve yourself of it. You want me? I'm here. But I can't keep doing this. I'm running into walls with you, and I'm doing it knowingly, and at some some point, I have to walk in the other direction."
 His wild eyes searched hers, as if begging her to leave and pleading her to stay, all at once. He saw her fragile tears that threatened to spill at a second's notice
"If I can't have all of you, I don't want any of you."

[x's bed, x falls asleep with v]

[Winter - Joshua Radin]

As she fell asleep, she knew only one thing. She had made the right choice, but she wanted the wrong one.

[Almost Everything (I Wish I'd Said The Last Time I Saw You) - Wakey!Wakey!]
She licked closed the envelope, starring at it for a few moments as if it was threatening to detonate. Years of words were now shrouded in the light blue folds of the paper enclosure, everything that had been left unsaid followed by a final goodbye.

add in:
x sees y and w .. or y sees x and v?
bench, crying scene
x by pond [indian summer - stereophonics or could you be the one - stereophonics]
x driving
y rooftop  [link x driving and y rooftop?][new york - snow patrol]
x and v argue

Tuesday, January 7, 2014



Took a walk through my past today
It's strange to see how much life's changed
Began to wander on and on
These stones mark places I have gone
It's amazing how time speeds by
Throwbacks of people, places, remnants of our lives 
Every drawing and every word
Speaks every song you've never heard
These pages are capsules of who I've been
Lines of love and lines of sin
They bookmark the edges of days gone past
They detail dreams not meant to last

Monday, September 16, 2013

The Pit

It's going to be grey soon, and bitter, and icy.
The days will be short and the nights as long as ever.
We'll wait for the heat with baited breath.
We'll look toward the sun but just meet dull skies.
We'll want the freedom back but instead we'll get the familiar sense of emptiness.
The weather pushes me back a year, time seems to elapse backwards.
The new days feel like old ones relived, but in a ghost town.
Where everything is a shadow and disappears with every touch.
This is dangerous and lethal and a downward path.
I'm looking down and I see the pit where he lies.
Jumping is certain death and standing still is certain restlessness.
The whispered voices remind me of my secrets, of my wanted path.
Yet my surroundings forbid the fall.
The only heat is in my chest and my cheeks.
The only heat is coming from you,
The one I'm staring at,
In the vastness of the pit.

Thursday, July 18, 2013


it smells like a damp sweetness
and long sleepless nights
and races through forests
it's crickets and lightning
and sticky heat

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


You know you want something
Not when you ask the universe for a sign
But when you get your sign
And you're not happy with the answer.

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